Breaking: Rachel Mad Cow finds herself at the very bottom of the ratings, down by the View and Anderson Cooper. “It’s so low it almost breaks the Neilsens. Like under a thousand.”

Say a prayer for eighth-place finisher MSNBC.  The once new and mighty news network with the tagline “lean forward” is now leaning all the way down into the goop of the swamp.

And just below that, is their star interviewer and talking head Rachel Maddow, who’s nightly program garnered ratings of only .0003 in the latest ratings book.  That’s behind Fox, CNN, hell, even Animal Planet.  And that network shows funny little videos of dogs pooping in shoes.

News and entertainment director Sandy Batt admits that Maddow has hit her absolute bottom thus far, but is optimistic about her chances to return even greater.

“Rachel is brilliant.  She’s a Mensa member, has multiple PHD’s, and really knows her stuff well.  She and her ratings are suffering because of the wealth of old MAGA tards jerking it over Tucker Carlson and whatever nameless, faceless fear blabberer is on Newsmax that day.”

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Batt went on, munching into a bag of delicious Sour Patch Kids.“See, the whole 24- hour news network thing is a scam.  They just focus on about 7 stories all day.  Then cut to an opinion show.  Who watches that with the internet and everything?  I’ll tell you who.  Coffin shopping old flappy gummed ghost boomers waiting to take the breathing bus to stopsville is who.”

Additionally, Maddow’s ratings may be down, but her sponsorships have doubled within the past few months.  Maybe that’s due to more advertising for computers and cars over giant tubs of tapioca for the “rapture” and getting Medicaid Part F to pay for your dick pills.