Fresh from their well-publicised tiff at the Grammys, J.Lo and Ben have reacted by rushing straight to the tattoo parlour for a couples inking as a public declaration of ‘all is well’.
It’s straight from the playbook of Brooklyn Beckham who spends his time decorating his body with romantic tributes to his wife Nicola, including – with no hint of irony – getting some touching words from her dead granny inked on his torso as a birthday present.
Alarming enough as it is to follow the example of Hollywood’s dimmest starlet – both literally and metaphorically – I fear that these ‘committment tattoos’ are the beginning of the end of a romance that was surely doomed from the beginning.
J.Lo is not a woman who seems like a natural fit with a recovering alcoholic who looks like he’s on the way to a public hanging most of the time. Although such an event might actually cheer Ben up a bit if it meant escaping a sober night sitting through the Grammys where J.Lo was caught on camera appearing to scold him for looking bored.
But what exactly did you think you were getting into by marrying ‘Sad Affleck,’ whose aura of constant despair has launched a million memes, in one of the most glaring mismatches of all time?
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Caught on camera! Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got people talking once again after an eyebrow-raising clip captured the couple sharing an awkward moment at the 2023 Grammy awards
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His and hers: The post include a photo of Ben’s tattoo, which featured a different design but similar arrows for love and the couple’s initials
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Making it permanent: Jennifer Lopez, 53, and her husband Ben Affleck, 50, revealed that they had gotten complementary tattoos to express their love and ‘commitment’ on Valentine’s Day
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The reunion of Bennifer was the chance to indulge in some noughties nostalgia, but it probably shouldn’t have gone any further
You’re the woman who pole danced her way to the best shape of her life on the eve of her 50th birthday for Hustlers, doesn’t drink or smoke, and was one of the first celebs to be a singer, dancer, actress and all-round entrepreneur – like a Kardashian with actual talent.
Of course Ben is now a changed man, who should be applauded for turning his life around after three well-publicised stints in rehab.
But in his soul the actor-director is a poker playing, bar crawling, chain smoking kind of guy whose chief pleasure in life is Dunkin’ Donuts, and whose alleged frolics with a stripper cost him his first engagement to Lopez back in 2003.
He then married Jennifer Garner, an undoubtedly beautiful woman who is determined to be aggressively non-glamorous with her navy jumpers, mom jeans and frequent trips to church.
When he fell off the wagon in August 2018, after they divorced, the formidable Jennifer turned up with a bible in hand to haul him off to rehab .
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Juggling a drink from his beloved Dunkin Donuts with several parcels, Ben’s ubiquity as a meme has become one of his big claims to fame
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Ben Affleck’s aura of being weighed down by life has seen him become the poster boy for despair
While we all hope those days are behind him, is his second wife prepared to strap on her gold heels and go clattering up the driveway to his drinking den, ready to quote the Book of Revelation?
I suspect there’s a good chance she doesn’t have time for this kind of nonsense while she’s busy being fabulous. Perhaps, she would send her assistant to deal with it.
You only have to look at her last partner before Ben, A-Rod, to see that what J.Lo really wants and needs is a man who aspires for them to be a ‘brand’.
A gushing profile of the pair by Vanity Fair described J.Lo and the baseball star turned entrepreneur and judge on Shark Tank, the US answer to Dragon’s Den, as a ‘merging of business empires’, rather than a mere couple.
I’m not saying that a man with so many pairs of white trousers in his wardrobe is good enough for J.Lo either, but he would definitely not need to be told to ‘look motivated’ at the Grammys.
While suspended from baseball for a year for doping, A-Rod took university classes in investing and marketing, he’s friends with Warren Buffet and apparently likes to go to JP Morgan conferences about Brexit in his spare time.
While Ben Affleck looks like there’s nowhere he’d rather be than a dive bar, A-Rod’s philosophy is: ‘When someone offers me a job, I thank the Lord that I have work, and I beg for more work.’
Alas, it was the begging for more, rather than the Lord, which was on A Rod’s mind when he slid into the DMs of US reality TV starlet Madison LeCroy in May 2021, and was dumped by a furious J.Lo.
Aside from her own personal heartbreak, their split has surely denied the world of a dubious his and hers J.Rod fragrance range at the very least.
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Jennifer Garner, Ben’s ex-wife, was the one to haul him off to rehab for the third time in 2018
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A-Rod was dumped by J.Lo after he allegedly started messaging a reality TV star, but he certainly wouldn’t need to be told to look enthusiastic at the Grammys
If she were to launch a perfume with Ben it would have to be branded Des-pair. It gets across that they’re a couple and one is weighed down by constant sorrow, but doesn’t exactly have the same ring as J.Lo Glow.
Instead, she’s had to make do with a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial poking fun at her husband’s great love of deep fried sugar, which is wonderfully supportive of her, but do we think this woman has even seen a doughnut in the last 30 years, let alone eaten one?
She also seems to have forgotten the time she said that it took her two years to get over the backlash over her and Ben’s much-maligned film flop Gigli.
The point is, J.Lo, you’ve gone too far this time. By all means reunite in Positano for a summer of noughties nostalgia love, but don’t ruin it all by marrying the man for god’s sake.
The great appeal of Bennifer was the chance to reminisce about the days of Nokia 3210s, Ja Rule, Toxic era Britney and low rise jeans with studded belts, but now that’s worn off, what have we got left?
We’ve been consumed by the trip down memory lane, but I can’t help wondering if J.Lo is feeling the same hollow taste.
Sure, it is a lot of fun to speculate on quite what goes through the mind of Jennifer Garner when the other Jen turns up to a ‘blended family’ music recital in 7-inch stilettos and a Chanel jacket, but it can only sustain us for so long.
Unless they rush the release of Eau de Des-pair very soon, I fear that only way for Bennifer to get their spark back will be the inevitable drama of divorce.
